depression and stress management – Page 2

An antidote for resentment

Resentment, the bitter feeling of being treated unfairly, of being wronged, can persist and ruin an entire month, year, or even a lifetime – – not of the alleged or actual wrongdoer but of the person resenting. So as the old adage goes:

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Even if they did, you’re still poisoned.

It casts a dark cloud over how we see the world. Because one can ruminate on resentment incessantly, it can often dominate our inner world, rob us of precious moments, and distort our life experience.

We can resent all sorts of things, from being cut off in traffic to being passed over for a promotion to feeling unloved or unappreciated.

It’s hard to stop resenting because, as far as I can tell, resentment always feels justified by the person doing the resenting. The person resenting always feels he or she is right to do so.

On the other hand, resentment always seems to produce unhappiness. Has anyone ever felt better, more relaxed, by resenting something or someone? Resentment and happiness don’t mix, they don’t coexist.

Do we want to be right, and keep resenting, or be happy? If you choose happiness, then here are some preliminary thoughts:

Acknowledge the resentment. Honor your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or family to get it out of your system. Talk to the person you resent, if a productive talk is possible. If not, write a letter to that person and get all your thoughts off your chest. Then burn the letter.
Decide that resentment hurts us more than anyone else. Know that resentment poisons our soul.
Choose happiness over poison.
Decide to release the poison.

If you choose happiness over, and let go of, poison, then here are a few possible antidotes:

1. Remember that it’s not personal

People do and say things because of what’s going inside of them, not because of you. People act in accordance with the level of their awareness. Hurtful words and actions come from fear, insecurity, and things about that person we simply know nothing about. They are not about us. We’re not responsible for someone else’s fear, insecurity, and what we don’t know about. Even if they said or did things to you, it’s still not about you.

2. Try “reverse empathy”

Have YOU ever done or said things to someone that you resent being said or done to you? I have. I’ve said and done hurtful things out of my own anger and stress (see above) and mistakes (I thought one thing, reality was another).

Have you ever hurt someone when you didn’t mean to? I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. Many times. But I have rarely, hopefully never, done and said things out of sheer malice, out of an intent to hurt someone. I may not even realize that I’ve hurt someone.

I’d like to be forgiven for my words and actions, and I really, really hope that I’ve not caused someone to be hurt and resentful. For this reason, “reverse empathy” helps me, which for me means putting the people I resent into my shoes.

In addition, as much as we feel right to be resenting, the person who we resent may feel right – and even mean well toward us – in doing and saying whatever it is that we resent. Everyone’s different, thinks differently, and may experience and interpret the same event totally differently.

3. Release the resentment to enjoy your life more

A life that’s filled with love and happiness can seem like a total bummer if we spend time resenting rather than living.

I used to resent a handful of events in early childhood. The stuff we talk to psychiatrists about. I felt sorry for my life because of those events, but I now see that they make up less than 1% of my total life experience. What about the more than 99% when life ranged from normal to awesome, when I was literally surrounded by love?

For this reason, a strong antidote for resentment may be gratitude. But we may have to stop resenting, at least momentarily, to see the things to be grateful for.

If we fixate on the events and people we resent, we lose the totality of our life experience. Our life, our experience of life, is literally what we think about. We may forget all the joy we actually experienced and, worse yet, we may be blinded by resentment to all the life’s joy we can be experiencing NOW.

4. Remember that life isn’t fair, and it’s okay

The sense of unfairness seems to be the foundation of resentment. For example, a child resents being punished for a sibling’s deeds, or an ambitious professional who resents a pay-cut while the (obviously less talented and comes in later) dude next cubicle gets promoted.

Life has no obligation to be “fair”. The Universe may be friendly to us, but it can’t ensure that every interaction is felt fair to everyone involved.

Plus, while we remember the times when life seems unfair to us, what about the times when life gave us an advantage, put us ahead of someone else?

Has life ever favored us over someone else? Has life been “unfair” to someone else to our benefit?

Remember that one time you got yelled at by Mom for the mess that your sister Jenny made? What about all the times that Jenny had to listen to Mom rave about you in front of others?

5. Transcend

Resentment comes from pain. They seem to go together. But pain can be our best friend. Pain can pinpoint the part of us that still needs healing.

What does our pain tell us about ourselves? What is our pain trying to teach us? Without pain, how would we know where to start healing ourselves?

Let our pain be the lighthouse of our spiritual journey. Figure out what hurts, and WHY we hurt. Heal the source so that we no longer suffer from someone’s words and actions. Release the resentment, heal the pain, and reveal what’s underneath: infinite joy, love, and our true, eternal and spiritual self.

Bad news, but also really good news about managing depression…

“Depression never seems to go away, no matter the life circumstances.”
– a dear friend.

This struck like a thunderbolt. Profound.

If changing life circumstances don’t eliminate depression, could it be because life circumstances, in themselves, also don’t CAUSE depression? Could it be that life circumstances didn’t really make us depressed? (We’ll discuss in another post, the opposite idea, that life circumstances, in themselves, also don’t create happiness. True happiness comes from the inside.)

Life circumstances aren’t the real culprit of our depression. The real cause is lodged deeply in our subconscious. It comes from the false ideas, beliefs, or assumptions that we’re weak, powerless, not good enough, unworthy of love, and incomplete. That we’re merely our physical body and circumstances.

So we try completing ourselves, forever proving our worth, searching for love, earning degrees, making parents proud, getting married, and buying houses, etc. While all these can be wonderful, does any guarantee long term happiness and eliminate depression?

That sounds pretty bad, depressing, even.

BUT here’s some very good news.

If it’s not what’s on the outside that depresses us, then it must be what on the inside, right?

That means we don’t need to change our life circumstances to eliminate depression; to do so we must change ourselves, from the inside.

But what do we change? Our minds, our thoughts. Our life changes when we change ourselves inside, and we change ourselves when we change our thoughts.

Here’s the great news. Thoughts are completely self-generated. The only one in the universe who can change those self-generated thoughts, is the thinker. YOU.

Can you think of any other person who can think the thoughts in your head?

“Bullskirt!”, you say, “my inconsiderate neighbor’s dog whizzed in my yard and THAT’S why I’m in a bad mood! They just disrespect me!”

But you’re in a bad mood BECAUSE you think you’re in a bad mood.

Don’t believe it? Have you ever been in a good mood when you THINK that you’re in a bad mood? Have you ever been in a bad mood when you THINK you’re in a good mood? Your mood is whatever you think it is. Good or bad. Either way, you are right, as Henry Ford supposed to have said.

YOU are the only one who can think a thought for you.
Neither your inconsiderate neighbor nor her dog can think your thoughts. Your neighbor can be inconsiderate, and her dog can whizz in your yard, but neither can think a single thought in YOUR head.
Only YOU can think your thoughts.
– Cody

Assuming you agree that you are the only one who can think your thoughts, let’s take the next step.

What thoughts should we examine? We must identify and evaluate the fundamental ideas and assumptions that run our lives, our mental operating system. (see We live in The Matrix, Part I). Some fundamental ideas and assumptions are essential for civilization, many serve us very well, but a few or more don’t. Let’s call the ones that don’t serve us “Malware”.

Our life’s work is to debug our mental operating system and release or repair the Malware. In the process we reveal and regain our authentic self. We let go of the false ideas mentioned earlier, realize and believe that we’re not just our physical body and circumstances. We are so much more. We’re whole, we’re enough, we deserve love, and we don’t need anything or anyone else to make us happy.

Here’s the catch: so many Malware burrow deep in our bones, they define how we think the world works, so much so that we take them for granted, take them to be true without realizing that we do. Without even realizing their existence.

We may be unaware of our deepest, most fundamental ideas and assumptions. Only a clear and accurate mindset about who we are can uncover the underlying mental codes and logic that form the operating system of our lives.

While that may seem challenging, I would pursue happiness with the thoughts I think and the feelings they can produce, rather than condition my happiness on life circumstances over which we have no real control. I can influence my thoughts. At least no one else really can. Remember, only one person in the universe can think the thoughts in my head or yours.

Let’s talk about how to find that Malware in future posts.

Thanksgiving

“The quality of our thoughts equals the quality of our lives.”
– Papa

I used to check the news and emails every morning when I open my eyes. Guess what? Stress immediately filled my mind. Cortisol pumped into the bloodstream. And that’s before getting out of bed!

What thoughts fill your mind as you wake up each morning?

Instead of filling our thoughts with the news, what if we woke up every morning filling our minds and hearts with gratitude?

We can use our calendars to remind ourselves every day. At 7 am, get a reminder to thank the Universe.

Thank the warm bed that we sleep in. How nice does it feel during these winter days? Roof over my head? Awesome. A good night’s rest? How about good health? Loving family and friends?

Too mundane? Try imagining our lives without them. Do they feel more special now?

“Desire the things that we already have.”
– Stoics

And what about YOU? You have a good heart? Care about others? Diligent at work and life? Then Go You! Thank yourself for being a good person. Thank yourself for trying something new. Thank yourself for being you.

If the quality of our thoughts equals the quality of our lives, and we want to be happier and feel better, then let’s try changing what goes on inside our minds and hearts for the better.

Happy Thanksgiving! May all your days be filled with gratitude.