“Letting go” … of what? Freeing ourselves from the part of us that can feel hurt

Emotional triggers can be our friend.

They show us where we feel hurt and what we need to work on.

What hurts or triggers you?  Answer this question, but don’t stop. Also ask yourself, what is within you that can feel hurt?  Just thinking about this question may start helping you gain more peace, as it has for me.

The clinging mind

Feeling ignored and, even worse, disrespected, is a trigger for me.

Often, the mental chatter makes it worse.  After an unpleasant conversation has long ended, the mind just can’t let it go. “How dared they talk to me like THAT??” “After all that I’ve done for them?”

The mind is very talkative, have you noticed?  The mind clings the replays. And once it gets going, the heart keeps feeling worse. Then you start thinking very unkind thoughts. Have you experienced this?

Who or what feels hurt?

What is the “I” that can feel “mistreated”? Why do “I” need to be treated a certain way?

Any particular “way” that I should be treated ultimately is an idea. Actually, a bunch of different thoughts that I’ve accumulated over a lifetime.

When I feel looked down upon, that may just be my ego feeling smaller than the other person. Why does my ego resist being small? Why does it need to feel big?

Likewise, the “I” that needs to be treated a certain way is a mental construct, a bundle of thoughts.

When we give up the need to protect that thought form, like the ideas of “how I should be treated or talked to”, and release (let go) the part of us that can still feel upset about some event or someone after so many years — when we let “it” go, we cease to be “hurt”.

“Letting go” can be so hard to do

Let’s say you lost a good friendship to a big argument years ago. You and your friend shouted at each other, called each other names. It bothers you every time you think about it.

You try to “let go” by not thinking about it.  You try to forget. You suppress.

But the memory and feelings about the event keep bubbling up.  They could lay dormant for years, even decades, but they reemerge sooner or later. They return as they must, no matter how hard we suppress, because of the countless situations and people that can suddenly remind us of them.

And every time they return, we feel bad again. For example, as soon as you remember your fight and loss of friendship, you might feel sad and angry instantly, and you might even ruminate on the event for days. You still feel hurt.

Who or what to let go of

We can’t let go THIS way because, maybe, we’ve focused on the wrong thing.

We tend to focus on the memories of people and events that we feel bad about, the object of our negative emotions.

What if, instead of trying to let go the memory of the event, we focus inward on the experiencer of the event, to understand what is WITHIN US that can still feel hurt, angry, after all these years?

When we feel intense negative emotions from memories of events, or people, or whatever else, we can try to watch, observe, and understand our own logic (possibly unobserved previously, and subconscious) leading to those feelings. And then let that part of US go.

What’s been helping me more

Memories of a few events from years ago can still bother me a lot. Even though I know they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, I still get so offended and angry every time they come up.

Lately, I started asking my myself:

What is it about ME that gets triggered by these events, which involve the feelings of being ignored, bullied, and betrayed?

The part that is in ME that gets triggered, is the part that I want to let go.  The part that gets upset when feeling that way.

Letting that part of us go can release us from suffering.

Remembering who we are

Letting go the part that gets triggered doesn’t mean losing who we are. In fact, letting go might further reveal who we are.

Many spiritual traditions say that our true self is pure awareness. Invisible and eternal.

Am I truly awareness, a bundle of thoughts, or both? Are you? I don’t know, and I’m not sure that the answer truly matters.

But I would like to identify more with the awareness than the bundle of thoughts.

Mercy and forgiveness

It also helps to remember to be more merciful. Be merciful to those who have “wronged” us. They didn’t know any better.  They might not even have meant to. They didn’t know. 

In any event, the “me” who they wronged is a bundle of thoughts. I can choose to let go the need to protect it.

Our friends

So, let go the part of us that can feel emotionally triggered about the past, not just the memories that trigger us.

That’s why emotional triggers, as unpleasant as they may feel, show us the path to inner peace. They are our friends.